As I’m slowly killing off my internet social media presence I’m just bunging in a bunch of dead tweets so that future aliens emerging from Agharta can marvel at the level of shit that went on in just one human brain;
1) Seriously. I don’t care what you do with your penis, as long as it’s covered up in my immediate vicinity.
2) Oh good, the fringe has started. Every fucktard in the world is now within one square mile of me acting like the fucktards they are. #eff
3) That’s nothing compared to my outrage about that fella who did that to him off the thing that everyone was so worked up about.
4) I know enough stuff so can’t be arsed learning anything else. Just Say No! #developmentopportunity
5) Just spent a happy hour making changes to an old Oracle database that someone gave users editor access to. In other news, have hired hitman.
6) Note to self: investigate possibility of opening up a beard rental shop. As in a facial hair way, not as in a Tom Cruise wives way.
7) Word up! Just heard that the Wigglesworth Massive will be travelling down for the Buttershaw Lane par-tay! Skipton in da House!!!!
8) Thanks for asking but Fat Paul can’t throw down his Streetdance moves on Saturday, as his electronic tag for pigeon worrying is on till Xmas
9) New corp org chart shows me not in Scotland. Have told folk in my room they can’t speak to me in person any more. This is called A Result.
10) I’m not saying I can’t be arsed, but
11) I used that “soap” once. In the seventies. It was orange and made me smell like a jobby jabber. Never again.
12) WHY IS ONLY THE DAILY MIRROR LIVE BLOGGING ROYAL BABY. THIS IS MOST IMPORTANT THING SINCE EVER. MEDIA TRAITORS. WHY NO VIDEOCAM OF GOAL END?
13) Just got an AOL email account. Finally I’m on the cutting edge of technology.
14) There’s not enough proper, 70s style bullying nowadays. If some of todays little school shits got a good 70s kicking, it might do them good
15) The sun’s oot, the wi-fi reaches the garden, the Irn Bru is chilled, this can only mean one thing. I Am Working From Home.
16) You don’t appreciate quite how many shit bands there are until you catch sight of something like the Bestival lineup.
17) Oh, good, laddies from Bathgate on the bus. Or as they would say, “ra fuckin boyz fae fuckin Bathy, gaun radge like, fuckin naw?”
18) You know when you poison yourself with opium and imagine you’re being dragged to your own death before heading off to a witches’ sabbath?
19) I am spending today designing editable pdfs for idiots. If you’re in the Edinburgh area & have ready access to cyanide capsules, please call
20) Sabine Lisicki can lisicki anything she likes. Do you see what I did there? And they say comedy died when Mind Your Language ended.
1) The unfettered joy at watching the Fucking Edinburgh Festival Fringe hoardings coming down. #eff
2) Cyclist on pavement c**t, on pavement with ipod double c**t, coming wrong way down 1 way street through red light, backpack in face #cyclist
3) The roots of the Welfare State were laid down when the call-up for the Boer war found so many men too weakened by rickets to fight. #fodder
4) How come Abs from Five is the only person to catch Jamaican from having Aspbergers?
5) Not only are the English getting a holiday today, but DFS have, rather unbelievably, a furniture sale on. You jammy English gits. #dfs
6) Mama don’t allow no skiffle playing round here. An unnecessary ban as I have never picked up a ukulele in anger except to smash into a hipsters face
7) Nice to see that mad King Ludwig II of Bavaria lived up his name. Well done you Wagnerian bread and butter.
8) I never believed the allegations about Pete Townshend. He’d have had no time what with 50 years spent crawling up his own arse.
9) Listening to 4th hour of Doobie Brothers live tracks AT WORK! Closest I’ll get to living the dream unless Sandra Bullock chaps on the door.
10) Hudacurry. BIRYANI! BIRYANI!
11) My childhood ambition was to be one of The Temptations. Life never fails to smell like a backed up shunky.
12) Have spent tonight organising my Robert Goulet albums by ambience. #livingthedream
13) If it’s too hairy then you’re too close.
14) Well I’m Christ In Shades I’m A Napalm God Your Lipstick Flickers Round My Lightning Rod.
15) “Hempty hrooms ware we learn to leeeve withart lurve….”
16) I am working on the CMC of SAP Business Objects. It’s almost like being a real person again as my disdain for “users” rises appreciably.
17) This morning I have eaten a black pudding roll,drank a bottle of banana milk, and listened to ‘Love Machine’ by The Miracles. I rock!
18) You’d be amazed how often I threw up in my mouth in the 3 minutes it took to walk through the Grassmarket today #eff
19) I tell you, thae burds seem extra angry seeing as how I’m “working fae home”
20) £1.09 is 10% of a handjob round the back of Andersons in Leith, and you’d have 9p left for four Blackjacks and a penny for the guy.
1) I will be incommunicado for a wee while as ITV4 are screening double bills (hah!) of Duck Dynasty. This is not a drill, repeat, not a drill.
2) I’ve spent a day working with PS Financials “Award Winning Financial Accounting Software”. I may actually be dead
3) Today I shall mainly be eating Simmers Abernethy biscuits. No fancy schamncy “open here” tags for them. No, they rock biscuits old school.
4) Thought I was watching documentary about anorexic, stripper, whores. Turns out it was the new Miley Cyrus video. Well done dear
5) Census news:Twice as many people in Scotland said they spoke Polish at home compared to those who used Gaelic. Na zdrowie! Och aye the noo!
6) Panic over, ladies. I’ve been to the dentist, the broken front tooth is fixed, and I’m purty once more. You may resume your daydreaming.
7) National Poetry Day is only two weeks away. It’s time to start planning. [orders shotgun cartridges off internet and cleans gun]
8) I’ve just seen the News Bunny from Live! TV tapdancing and panhandling for drink money ootside the station. A warning to all A list celebs.
9) You know what there’s not enough of? Panpipe versions of pop songs. I’d pay to hear the panpipe version of Blurred Lines or Talk Dirty.
10) There’s no melon in Melonade! What next, no iron in Irn Bru, no alligator in Gatorade. It’s a world gone mad.
11) If I had anal fistula. I said FISTULA. I’d be keeping them to myself rather than brandishing them on telly. But I’m old fashioned that way.
12) It’s been years since I shot a prostitute. And now with GTA 5, a new legion of children can enjoy the thrill of same. #gta
13) Have decided to become a professional psychic after the ghost of X Factor winner Steve Brookstein appeared in my toast during Emmerdale.
14) I swear on the wet head of my first case of gonorrhoea.
15) Baynes the bakers in Musselburgh pieless at 1.30pm. 50 yards away, queue is out the door at Greggs. This is called how not to run a business
16) Get a grip! Bloody namby pamby shower of shites who were weaned 20 years too late. Yes, you.
17) Work out how shite a furrin player will be in the Premier League by dividing the amount of hair product by actual goals scored / conceded.
18) Is there anything better than a 1992 DOS Football Management game? No, I didn’t think so. http://ow.ly/i/313NI
19) I can’t decide where I stand on Syria as Miley Cyrus has yet to tweet her thoughts.
20) Watched News 24 to try & suss out why the swarthy fellas are killing other swarthy fellas. Couldn’t, so watched The Three Musketeers instead
1) Anyone claiming to be poor in the UK today should watch The Happy Lands, see the life my coalminer Grandad had in the 1920’s, then shut the fuck up.
2) “A Yentl breakdown”. That cracks me up every time.
3) Morgenmuffel. That is all.
4) Either Nigella Lawson is paragliding over Embra, or we’ve just had our first snow of the year.
5) A whole hour I handed over you you and you didn’t find the Kaisers gold. Bastards.
6) Fed up? Wait till you’re ma age, ya wee bastard.
7) I’m not saying the French are bastards* but I’ve just watched a documentary about how the French police rounded up Jews for the Nazis. *I am
8) I decided to remember the members of my family killed and wounded in war by not making a song and dance about it. #notcutoutformodernlife
9) Raspberry jam Swiss roll and custard, followed by The Status Quo night on BBC2 is as close to bliss as life gets nowadays.
10) Can it be? Already? Is it? Surely not? Are you sure? Oh, it is! Praise be! #fff – it’s Fried Food Friday!
11) Oh, Daily Star: Whose boobs should I look at first. http://dailystar.co.uk #boobs
12) Good week for @Team_Barrowman not only is La Bazzas daytime show on, but his Music Music Music CD has arrived in Musselburgh Poundland
13) Loved woman on Newsnight talking about how London gets 15x more arts funding than UK. “Well people can just come to London to see a show”!
14) Perhaps the “mum” on BBC Breakfast moaning about how she canny afford the heating should look at her food bills #tubolard
15) I’ve pondered this for many years now, but have decided that the worst band ever were The Selector. Which makes it official. You’re welcome.
16) Hey junkies. See if you die of a self inflicted drug overdose? Well I’m no throwing a party in your honour. Arseholes.
17) Jake Bugg on one side, Paul McCartney on the other. Music was watching and has just put a shotgun in its mouth.
18) Sex pest Hardeep Singh Kohli on BBC worried about objectification of wimmin! Oh, & B&Q have run out of brass necks
19) There was a midget in my house for an hour and a half yesterday, but I’m told I should make a full recovery.
20) Good News Day! The French Tea Room has closed. Yes, “French”. Like King Louis wanting the secret of fire, it was A Thing That Should Not Be
1) Well I’ll see if I can still fit into my leather chaps and snakeskin boots and take it from there.
2) Hope isn’t for the likes of you and me.
3) Can we have a telethon to buy dictionaries for all the people who seem to have the word “poor” confused with “a bit strapped this month”.
4) Bon Jovi were hot back in the day! [adjusts trousers]
5) A very productive morning, spent calling the English, bastards.
6) Listened to a 20+ min version of Fanfare For The Common Man / Blue Rondo by Emerson, Lake & Palmer at lunchtime. Yet I live. I am your God.
7) Spent the evening in Leith and got out alive. Slightly more potty mouthed than usual but left with as many limbs as I arrived with #result
8) And that sound is the noise of the 13 year old me, exploding #frida
9) The pure joy when a bastarding cyclist falls off his bike in a main road! Aaaahhh! Thanks Torphichen Street You rock
10) hotblackpussyx is now following me on Tumblr. I must rush off and click her profile as soon as soon as possible. I’m sure it’s SFW.
11) If you ever want to know what pure evil looks like, look a giraffe in the eye [shudders]
12) I hope that anyone watching Burns show on BBC with Eddi Reader had booked nurse with syringe full of adrenaline to kickstart their hearts at programmes end.
13) Cyclists, taxi drivers and white van man – the pedestrians triumvirate of evil.
14) @SP_EnergyPeople I did try emailing & using the online form but it seems that’s the gibbering idiot department.
15) Diddums. Poor cyclist hit traffic light aided by my nudge. Bastard on West Maitland St pavement with headphones on. Damn. Lights at red.
16) New Paloma Faith video: underwear (good), Queen Bess (bad), facial hair (good*), kabuki (bad), Pharrell (bad) – *not hers. Oi’ll give it 5.
17) I would want it to do a myriad of things for £19, arseholes included.
18) I still haven’t forgiven the colonials for not making “On A Roll” by Point Blank the biggest selling melodic rock / AOR album ever. #grudge
19) Anyone heard from Slack Alice lately? Everard is starting to get worried. Pop-It-In Pete reckons she’s bunked up with Apricot Lil.
20) Anna Maxwell Martin [sighs] That is all.
A largely Eurovision related update
1) Versification on the Death of a Nation
Oh Eng-land Eng-land
Poor & pity-fool land
Ye didnae handle broken Luis
Who scored not wan but two-ey
2) “Away ower to Mrs Thomsons fur fourpit o’totties, son, and mind ye take the bag.”
3) I suppose the good thing about Paper Tiger is that all the shittiest greetings cards are rounded up and put in one place.
4) Bits & Pieces by the Dave Clark Five, ten times in a row is a hundred times better than any album by the Beatles. Fact. #beatlesband #dc5
5) Let’s all go down the Strand — Have a banana!
Let’s all go down the Strand!
I’ll be the leader, you can march
6) Never felt as low as I do now, with the latest Katie Price tragedy. My whole family may be dead, but this is what true misery feels like. (I tweet this every year)
7) Say what you like about Vladimir Putin but he knows hot conjoined twins when he sees them. #esc
8) My third favourite chip shop have entered Eurovision Go San Marino & a steak pie supper when your 1974 James Bond theme ends
9) Jaws, Voice reject, twins, double glazing, her from Glee, the chippy, New Russia, Anthea Turner, ZZ Top & Dutch cowboys. 50% + #esc
10) Belgian proof that castration has unfortunate side effects. Apart from having no knackers. #esc
11) Estonia have cleverly went for the sympathy vote by entering tone deaf Tanya off Eastenders
12) Thank you Eva from Coronation Street. #esc
13) Is that her off Glee masquerading as an Azerbaijani? Ringer alert. #esc
14) Albania providing the best reason yet for overthrowing Communism. #esc
15) Seventh time lucky for Sweden. Nice to see Anthea Turner getting some work. #esc
16) Ooh! Latvia have entered him off The Cube in a bunnet. Well played cake bakers. #bbceurovision
17) Why have Armenia sent Daniel O’Donnells wee brother to sell me double glazing? #bbceurovision
18) Assassination!!! Split ma heid open on an iron chandelier in Cockenzie House. But it takes more than that ya bandits!
19) Away and warm up the telly, son. My show’s on in five meenits. (ignore this if you’re under 40)
20) Yeah. That funny thing I thought of three hours back. I should have tweeted that.
1) Services 38 and 47 will be unable to serve Hesperus Crossway while we establish whether or not it’s mythical.
2) John Barrowman carries Queen’s baton #nsfw
3) Ye canny shove yer granny aff a bus. Actually you can, ‘slong as it’s yer Faither’s Mammy. #fact
4) I went to the seaside and there was ice cream and a vanilla slice and I got to pet a puppy called Riley and it was my best day.
5) International jetset update Breakfast in Haddington, dinner in Dunny, tea in Tornent, forthcoming cheese on toast supper in Embra #airmiles
6) My MP popped round today to tell me why I should re-elect her. Luckily the wild dogs I keep in the shed hadn’t been fed in a week #scotlabour
7) There’s a tin of boiled ham at home with my name on it. Not literally, like. My names not Jamon
I saw the regurgitated New York Dolls live a few years back. Much enhanced by death of Johnny Thunders.
8) Of course it would need a Four Horsemen intervention to make U2 palatable.
9) Christ on a bike it’s Roxy Music. There must be a rerun of Benidorm somewhere. I mean I lived through the seventies and it wisnae this shite
10) David Bowie! Time to put the kettle on and boil a four minute egg. #betteruseoftime
11) There’s a reason no-one bought Brinsley Schwartz records. They were shite. Is it too late to eat another boiled egg?
12) More blood spatter than usual on my bus this morning. Must have come fae Tranent via Wallyford.
13) The new Scotch exam results are in and the pass rate has hit 102%. Which proves that breastfeeding disnae get in the way of revision.
14) The good news is I’m not the person who has to listen to a 40 minute webinar #developmentopportunity
15) This country has turned to shite and it’s all your fault! [points at every arts graduate ever]
16) Goat’s milk soap! We’re not shooting enough hippies.
17) Life has been very unkind, but at least I’m not bald, so could Facebook please stop putting hair transplant adverts in my timeline.
18) Until 10pm tonight I had no idea what a King Creosote sounded like. God, how I yearn for the blissful ignorance of 9pm tonight.
19) If an Italian comes over here and acts all Italian in public, we should be legally compelled to punch them in the face. Hard.
20) Statistics, you rock. – Turns out stupid people aren’t as smart as smart people! Thanks, statistics