As I’m slowly killing off my internet social media presence I’m just bunging in a bunch of dead tweets so that future aliens emerging from Agharta can marvel at the level of shit that went on in just one human brain;
A largely Eurovision related update
1) Versification on the Death of a Nation
Oh Eng-land Eng-land
Poor & pity-fool land
Ye didnae handle broken Luis
Who scored not wan but two-ey
2) “Away ower to Mrs Thomsons fur fourpit o’totties, son, and mind ye take the bag.”
3) I suppose the good thing about Paper Tiger is that all the shittiest greetings cards are rounded up and put in one place.
4) Bits & Pieces by the Dave Clark Five, ten times in a row is a hundred times better than any album by the Beatles. Fact. #beatlesband #dc5
5) Let’s all go down the Strand — Have a banana!
Let’s all go down the Strand!
I’ll be the leader, you can march
6) Never felt as low as I do now, with the latest Katie Price tragedy. My whole family may be dead, but this is what true misery feels like. (I tweet this every year)
7) Say what you like about Vladimir Putin but he knows hot conjoined twins when he sees them. #esc
8) My third favourite chip shop have entered Eurovision Go San Marino & a steak pie supper when your 1974 James Bond theme ends
9) Jaws, Voice reject, twins, double glazing, her from Glee, the chippy, New Russia, Anthea Turner, ZZ Top & Dutch cowboys. 50% + #esc
10) Belgian proof that castration has unfortunate side effects. Apart from having no knackers. #esc
11) Estonia have cleverly went for the sympathy vote by entering tone deaf Tanya off Eastenders
12) Thank you Eva from Coronation Street. #esc
13) Is that her off Glee masquerading as an Azerbaijani? Ringer alert. #esc
14) Albania providing the best reason yet for overthrowing Communism. #esc
15) Seventh time lucky for Sweden. Nice to see Anthea Turner getting some work. #esc
16) Ooh! Latvia have entered him off The Cube in a bunnet. Well played cake bakers. #bbceurovision
17) Why have Armenia sent Daniel O’Donnells wee brother to sell me double glazing? #bbceurovision
18) Assassination!!! Split ma heid open on an iron chandelier in Cockenzie House. But it takes more than that ya bandits!
19) Away and warm up the telly, son. My show’s on in five meenits. (ignore this if you’re under 40)
20) Yeah. That funny thing I thought of three hours back. I should have tweeted that.
1) Services 38 and 47 will be unable to serve Hesperus Crossway while we establish whether or not it’s mythical.
2) John Barrowman carries Queen’s baton #nsfw
3) Ye canny shove yer granny aff a bus. Actually you can, ‘slong as it’s yer Faither’s Mammy. #fact
4) I went to the seaside and there was ice cream and a vanilla slice and I got to pet a puppy called Riley and it was my best day.
5) International jetset update Breakfast in Haddington, dinner in Dunny, tea in Tornent, forthcoming cheese on toast supper in Embra #airmiles
6) My MP popped round today to tell me why I should re-elect her. Luckily the wild dogs I keep in the shed hadn’t been fed in a week #scotlabour
7) There’s a tin of boiled ham at home with my name on it. Not literally, like. My names not Jamon
I saw the regurgitated New York Dolls live a few years back. Much enhanced by death of Johnny Thunders.
8) Of course it would need a Four Horsemen intervention to make U2 palatable.
9) Christ on a bike it’s Roxy Music. There must be a rerun of Benidorm somewhere. I mean I lived through the seventies and it wisnae this shite
10) David Bowie! Time to put the kettle on and boil a four minute egg. #betteruseoftime
11) There’s a reason no-one bought Brinsley Schwartz records. They were shite. Is it too late to eat another boiled egg?
12) More blood spatter than usual on my bus this morning. Must have come fae Tranent via Wallyford.
13) The new Scotch exam results are in and the pass rate has hit 102%. Which proves that breastfeeding disnae get in the way of revision.
14) The good news is I’m not the person who has to listen to a 40 minute webinar #developmentopportunity
15) This country has turned to shite and it’s all your fault! [points at every arts graduate ever]
16) Goat’s milk soap! We’re not shooting enough hippies.
17) Life has been very unkind, but at least I’m not bald, so could Facebook please stop putting hair transplant adverts in my timeline.
18) Until 10pm tonight I had no idea what a King Creosote sounded like. God, how I yearn for the blissful ignorance of 9pm tonight.
19) If an Italian comes over here and acts all Italian in public, we should be legally compelled to punch them in the face. Hard.
20) Statistics, you rock. – Turns out stupid people aren’t as smart as smart people! Thanks, statistics