was my Lindy. Daft lassie.
The winter probably disnae help. The leaky roof in the kitchen disnae help. Trying to find a bastarding roofer disnae help. The fact that we’re careering towards it being four months since I last saw anyone I know disnae help.
But more than anything I miss her smiling at me. She never stopped. Over 25 years thegither and she always smiled when she saw me. I miss that more than random hugs, holding her hand, watching a sunset and having her lean into me for comfort.
But of all the things I’ll never experience again, having someone smile at me is the one that hurts the most. I know folk say, “oh, it’s the pretendy pandemic, get through that and it’ll be a new day”. But she’ll still be dead and I’ll still be staring at a lifetime of emptiness and loneliness. Mind, I was in a grim place before this shite and I’m taking a right beating the now.
I would like to sit on the beach on a warm Spring day and feel the sunshine on my face one last time. But it’s hard going. And if anyone suggests phoning a helpline I swear to God, I’ll fucking do for them.
What are they going to say? “Think of all the things you have to live for”. There’s none. “What about your family?” I’ve got none. And if anyone uses the phrase “support bubble” within punching distance then I’m having you an aw.
I remember when I was seeing a grief counsellor and she kept banging on about friends and family and she really didnae get it. I’ve never had close friends and bar some cousins in America my family is aw deid. And they never liked me anyway. I’m guessing her degree came off the internet fae one of the pretendy American universities that do degrees for fifty bucks via PayPal. After all, this was the women who sent me to my American cousins with a copy of Man’s Search For Meaning by Viktor E Frankl for the plane ride. Cheers!
At the moment things have swung from roughly 5/2 to 4/3- that’s depressed days / suicidal days. The May meltdown of last year seems to have been the beginning of the end rather than the actual end. But I’m hoping she’ll come and get me soon.