As they say the road to Hell is paved with good intentions. Or at least Saint Bernard of Clairvaux almost said that.
I should preface this by pointing out that since Linda died I have been fortunate in many ways. As she was my only family and only friend some former colleagues and some internet folk have went out of their way to be helpful. And these are busy people with jobs , families and friends of their own. To be honest, I probably wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for those faintest glimmers of hope.
You might find this hard to believe but the version of me that these people know if the soft, fluffy version. Pre Mrs H I was a cold, hard bastard. But she was my Achilles Heel so this is actually the improved version. There’s no-one around who knew me in those days which is probably just as well.
But sometimes the old me rears its even uglier head and over the last few months I’ve felt the old rage building. And the reason for that is that not everyone has been as helpful as they think they are. See, some folk are full of good intentions. They say all the right things. All the things you need to hear when you’re as fucked up as I am right now. So when they promise you the moon and the stars. Or the “I know you slightly but will go out of my way a wee bit to help you through these hard times” version, you believe them.
Then they never follow up. I’m sure they mean it when they say it but when the cold light of day comes around they have second thoughts. Of course they don’t tell you that. No, they make more promises. And when those fall through it’s me that paces the floor at 4am wondering what I did wrong. Then at 5am I’m plotting a horrible vengeance. Then Good Morning Britain starts and I go to bed.
But really. Don’t do it. Thing is, anyone reading this who falls into this category probably don’t even know they’re doing it. But I hope it happens to you one day. Because you’re monumental arses who probably then tell your real friends what a great friend you’ve been to this crotchety old fool. I may not pray anymore but I’ll sneak one to Bernie so he can clear a bus lane just for you.
St Columba’s Hospice Tribute Fund for Linda Hamilton